Ask Washroom Guy
HAIR
Do I really need your daily Conditioner?
No, we suppose you don’t really need our Conditioner. Or its ability to strengthen damaged hair with Birch Sap and Vegetable Protein complex. Then again you don’t really need to have health insurance. But what if you get in a really bad rollerblade collision and lose one of your big toes and then have to spend months in rehab because the missing toe has completely thrown off your balance? You’re screwed then aren’t you? No Conditioner, no insurance, no big toe. Got it?
What is Not-So-Iron Grip, and how do I use it?
Wow, this is a whole new level of dumbassedness. But it takes balls to publicly display such stupidity, so we’ll answer your question. It’s a lightweight gel enriched with Birch Sap for medium hold without residue or flaking. To use it, put some on your hand. (That’s the thing at the end of your arm.) Then just run it through your hair. (That’s the stuff on top of your head.) Happy styling dumbass.
Will the Thinning Shampoo work on other places as well? Like those empty patches of my beard?
Good question. Granted, the Birch Sap and Marsupium Tree bark are great for moisturising and combating hair loss. But using it on your ratty beard? We just don’t know. The thought never occurred to us because our testosterone fueled beards are so thick a small animal could get trapped inside them. Maybe you should try getting testosterone shots. But feel free to try our Shampoo first.
What exactly does Scalp Serum do?
We’re glad you asked. Scalp Serum does a lot of things. For example, it helps prevent hair loss and scalp aging. It also helps thicken your hair and gives your head a cool, tingling feeling. All without the use of illegal substances.
FACE
Why doesn’t the Shave Cream foam up?
You want to know why? Because it’s not supposed to, that’s why. Because its Mushroom Extract and Aloe Vera, meant to calm and moisturise your skin for a smoother shave, will never, ever foam. Ever. Now leave us alone.
What’s the difference between Daily Defender and Time Fighter?
Daily Defender protects your face from things like dryness, fine lines – the coffee-breath of that guy in human resources. Time Fighter improves skin firmness and elasticity, and fights wrinkles. Plus it’s got Soy Protein, so it’s safe for those who are lactose intolerant.
I’ve heard wild claims of alcohol-free products, like non-alcoholic beer, working as well as those with alcohol. But it’s all been lies. How do I know your After Shave Balm will work?
Like a lot of things in life, beer needs alcohol to function properly. Our After Shave Balm doesn’t. Its Birch Sap and Mushroom Extract moisturise and soothe just fine on their own. And in this case, the absence of alcohol actually means less discomfort for you, not more. Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to the bar.
How often should I use the Facial Scrub?
The dangers of overdoing our Facial Scrub can’t be stressed enough. Yes, its Tea Tree Leaf powder is gentle. Yes, it contains Aloe Vera to soothe your skin. But your tender mug is still too delicate for daily exfoliation. We once saw a man scrub his face clear off. He spent the rest of his life in his parents’ basement. So stick with using it three times a week. Like Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
BODY
Does the Muscle Cool Down Lotion actually lower my body temperature?
No. What really happens is the Menthol, Aloe and Mannetake Mushroom play a clever trick on your nervous system – soothing your muscles and fooling you into believing you’re actually cooler. But in reality your body temperature hasn’t budged. Next we’re working on a cream you rub on your ears that’ll fool you into thinking you sound British. ‘Cause British accents are cool too.
If the Facial Scrub should only be used three times a week, does the same go for the Shower Gel Scrub?
No, but way to pay attention. For starters, the Tea Tree Leaf powder is a mild exfoliant. Plus the Mushroom Extract ensures your daily scrubbings won’t dry you out. And unlike your face, your body can stand a daily exfoliating. (And needs it too by the looks of things.)
