Travel

Until the technology of teleportation is invented, we’re just going to have to deal with the suckiness of travel. But there are ways to minimize this suckiness. And being the kind people we are, we’ve decided to include some simple tips to make your next trip – be it in a car, plane or boat – as suck free as possible.

Travel

Land:

Get a map. A real map. Not one of those stupid travel atlases that show two major highways and that’s all. If you want to get all technological, buy a GPS. They’re cheaper than ever, and don’t involve all that stupid folding and unfolding.

Know where the next gas station is and fill up accordingly.*

There are some parts of the country (the entire Midwest for example) where you won’t find a gas station for miles. Trust us, you do not want to be stuck on the side of the road in Kansas.

Use your cruise control. Granted, it’s fun to leave minivans choking in your dust. But setting your car on autopilot will help save you gas. Plus it’s just a lot more comfortable that way.

Try and bring your own snacks instead of buying them from that weird guy with a neck tattoo at the roadside convenience store. You’ll save money and time. One of our favorites is jerky. It’s meat. It’s portable. Enough said.

*Don’t use the station right off the exit. If you go down the road a bit, so will the prices.

Travel

Sea:

First and foremost, take some motion-sickness pills. Nothing ruins a trip faster than some hard-core vomiting. Besides, you want to be in top condition so you can kick ass at shuffleboard.*

*If you’ve got a real problem with this, get a room on the lower decks; the rolling effect is least noticeable in this area of the ship.

Bring a jacket. It doesn’t matter if you’re cruising ‘round the Caribbean in the dead of summer. When the sun goes down, the deck (including the poop-deck) is a chilly place to be.

CHECK YOUR TIME IN PORT. Unless you paid for a top-dollar cruise, you’re only going to have a few hours. Just enough time to get off the boat, get some sunburned tourist to take your picture and then buy a cheap piece-of-crap souvenir.

Travel

Air:

When you’re going through security, put your change, keys, and any other loose metal items in a little plastic sandwich bag. Better yet, put it in the front pocket of your carry-on. That way there’ll be one less idiot holding up the line trying to dig all the crap out of his pockets.

Carry cash. You’ll soon discover the rest of the world hasn’t caught onto the debit card craze. If you’re not carrying some, you’ll quickly find yourself in a jam. Plus when you find yourself confronted with an underpaid, undershowered and overzealous foreign cop, the only language he’ll understand is hard currency.

When you’re choosing your seat, keep the following in mind: seats by the wing have the smoothest ride. Seats in the exit rows have the most legroom, though may not recline. (Plus they guarantee someone with their damn baby* won’t be seated by you since regulations don’t allow it.)

Seats by the bulkhead also give more legroom, though might not have an overhead bin. And whatever you do, don’t get a seat immediately in front of the exit row – they don’t recline and offer only standard legroom.

*As much as you want to, do not strangle screaming babies. As far as we know, it’s still illegal. But man do some of those little bastards deserve it.