Simple Female Translator

Through some weird evolutionary mutation, women are able to say one thing and mean something totally different. To help with this problem, we’ve devised this simple female translator. It’ll help you figure out the true meaning of what our friends with ovaries are saying. And while we could’ve devoted an entire site to this issue, we’ve pared down the list to 3 common phrases* that are seemingly innocent, but in reality are landmines waiting to explode.

*We didn’t include “Does this make me look fat” because if you don’t know how to deal with this one by now, give us a call and we’ll come over and hit you on the head with a tack hammer.

Simple Female Translator

When She’s Looking Like Something’s Wrong:

What is said: “Nothing’s wrong. Don’t worry about it.”

What is meant: “Everything’s wrong. And you would know everything’s wrong if you weren’t so damned unobservant. And somehow, even if you weren’t remotely involved, it’s still
your fault. Jackass.”

Simple Female Translator

When She’s Going Shopping:

What is said: “I’m going to pick up a few things from the store.”

What is meant: “I’m going to disappear for oh, about 6 – 8 hours. During that time I plan on buying 20 pieces of clothing, all of which will be returned after I try them on at home. And when I do, you’re coming with me.”

Simple Female Translator

When You’re Out at the Bar:

What is said: “She’s really pretty. Don’t you think so?”

What is meant: “See that girl over there? She’s a tramp. So I just wanted to see if you find tramps attractive. You probably do. You probably want to sleep with her don’t you?!”